Mutual of Radagast's Wild Kingdom
by Quinga
Summary: Radagast's weekly column focuses on the Plot Bunny


AN: With thanks to Tenshi Androgynous for intensive beta-ing, inspiration, Olympic style Nuzgûl flinging and for the species name of the Plot Wolverine ;)

**Welcome to Mutual of Radagast's wild kingdom**

In this week's column, we will study the habitat, domestication, and breeding problems of the elusive _NUZGÛL_, more commonly known as the "Plot Bunny".

In the wild, the Nuzgûl is a carefree beast, living in warrens usually found under libraries and book stores. The Nuzgul is a timid creature, which will flee at the sight of most humans. However, Nuzgûl have a special bond with authors, and will generally come out of hiding when called by one.

These small kin of the common lagomorph are highly prized by authors for their usefulness as purveyors of story ideas and rough drafts. They bear the same soft fur and floppy ears of their domestic kin, but beware: These are no ordinary rabbits!

Some writers of fan fic have begun breeding Nuzgûl in captivity for the purpose of having a never ending source of story ideas close at hand. While this may SEEM to be a good idea, there are consequences to tampering with the natural state of one of Yavanna's favorite creatures.

Wild Nuzgûl are generally harmless, and will go about their merry way as soon as the summoning author has finished his or her piece. However, with the proliferation of fan fic authors, a mutation has begun to occur more and more frequently with the domestically bred Nuzgûl populace. _RABID_ Nuzgûl.

These rabid Nuzgûl are not rabid in the traditional sense. You will not require shots of any kind if you are attacked by one. In fact, there is at this point NO KNOWN CURE. In order to rid yourself of this terrifying, fluffy creature, you must do its bidding, IE: write the story it brings. Once you have done its will, the Nuzgûl will go away and leave you alone, and you will be free to seek medical attention.

With each successive generation, captive bred Nuzgûl have grown more persistent, more aggressive, and physically larger. Plot Bunny breeders need to be aware of these subtle changes in their Nuzgûl, and take care to breed out the less desirable traits. Without **careful** breeding records, and the proper attention to detail, the Plot Bunny breeder may end up with one of the most deadly beasts on Arda marred- the Plot Wolverine, also known as the Bulrog.

Many scientific tests have been done to determine exactly HOW a wolverine can be the descendant of rabbits, but no sound conclusion has been drawn as of the publication date of this article. All that can be said for certain is that the Bulrog is the Author's Bane.

These insidious beasts have cleverly disguised themselves and formed a union, known as the BIT, or Bunny Institute of Technology. This is purely a front, used by the plot wolverines to infect unsuspecting authors, and to create new and increasingly evil ways to spread across the planet, like the virus they have become! The BIT is suspected of using non-FDA approved methods of plot insertion, and flooding unsuspecting authors with an inordinate amount of bunnies at once. Legal action is being taken on behalf of the most over run authors, in an attempt to procure Temporary Orders of Protection.

When exposed, the author may become forgetful, dreamy, listless, agitated, or even violent. If you suspect you or a friend have been exposed, first, check for tooth and or claw marks - usually to be found about the head or neck area. If these identifying traits are present, you must seek professional help IMMEDIATELY. The afflicted author may forgo sleep, food & drink, and social interaction until the wolverine has had his way with her/him. NEVER EVER interrupt an infected author while they are working! This action could result in loss of teeth, limbs, or in the most extreme cases, life!

Even after the infected author has done the wolverine's bidding, it will not go away. It will insist that the writer rework specific parts of the story. It will nag, snivel and whine that there is something that is "Just not right" with the finished work. The author will begin to have nightmares, or cease to sleep at all, in favor of perfecting their by now Oliphaunt-sized "masterpiece". Lastly, and most devastatingly, the plot wolverine will cause a complete lack of self-esteem, and the author will fear that all their work is complete crap. It is important to note that by this point in the infection process, the above may indeed be true. The conclusion of this infection will have turned the poor author into a blithering Mary Sue.

An organization known as ISTARI (Institute of Science and Technology Against Rabbit Immorality) and their sister group, the specialized scientists of KELVaR (Kill Evil Life Violating Rabbits) have dedicated their lives to helping the defenseless victims of the plot wolverine. If you need help, please contact them immediately. Do not attempt to dislodge a Bulrog yourself. The members of this group can help by filing injunctions against the offending wolverines, or, as a last resort, can assist in the forcible bodily removal of the Bulrog. This organization accepts donations to help unfortunate victims, and to advance their studies. Careful dissection programs are underway at this moment, in order to more clearly understand the transformation between peaceful, literature-loving plot bunnies and violent Mary Sue-driven plot wolverines.

Remember, with CAREFUL breeding, it is still possible to maintain a Nuzgûl pen for your own use, or for your community. If all the proper measures are taken to prevent inbreeding, these peaceful lagomorphs will serve you for a lifetime.

Next week's topic: Readers' favorite recipes. Spotlight on hasenfeffer.


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